Thursday, 25 January 2007
Floating on a cloud of Tiramisu, O had the queer sensation that something was about to go horribly wrong. The hair in his ears started to vibrate and his left foot felt like he had just stepped in a big pile of pig shit with the yukky sensation of gooful moisture between his toes.
He had, had this feeling before and knew instinctively that he was nowhere near his body. An observer of people and things, he'd mastered the art of astral traveling centuries ago and in that instant he knew that he was dreaming. Willingly leaving his body was great for spying on delectable morsels of male and even occasionally female forms of life, yet some of his most important and disturbing visions had come to him while he was under sleep's dangerously deceitful spell. So it had been with the creation of the DODGY CHICKEN PIE that had threatened and nearly destroyed the bucket and its inhabitants through anal discharge a 1001 years ago and so it was now.
It started with a sweet smell of lilac and wood shavings. He sniffed the air and as he turned his head to follow the scent, he was knocked off of the airborne pudding he'd been sitting on. Like a bolt of lightning straight to the nose the vision slapped him back into his body and momentary consciousness. Choking on his own snot and that smell, he started awake and wailed at the top of his lungs. FAAAAANNNNNNNNYYYYYYYY!!!!???????!!!?!? After which he puked in OmGiK's lap.
Traveling at an atrociously high speed the Not So Pink Anymore Especially On The Inside Polka Dot Ferrari promptly left the road and came to a screeching halt in an old upside down tree precariously perched at the edge of a cliff. The tree moaned its complaint and retaliated with a spot of whiplash and down into the depths the car and its occupants went.
Inside the car the cherry jelly safety device deployed rendering the inhabitants in suspended animation safe from harms way. As they were falling, OmGiK thought "Fuck, not another one" and when the they finally slammed through a double storey roof and came to an exploding stop on a little old lady's kitchen table in the valley below, the occupants were promptly ejected like a bottle of HoSe' from an upset stomach....
OmGiK was on his feet in an instant and was about to slap O silly, when he saw her. A smile lightened his face and he could not help but giggle. There she was, with her spoon of porridge frozen halfway to her open mouth staring at them in utter shock and disbelief. The hilarity of the situation did not reach her, but in a matter of seconds OmGiK was on his back cackling like a rooster who had just gotten laid. Little did he and the others know that their apparent misfortune had saved them from a the same fate as their Princess.
As he struggled erect through waves of nausea, O had a flashback of that terrible sight. This time Misty's scent was mixed with the other and he knew that theirs would be a fight to end all fights.......
Wednesday, 24 January 2007
Tuesday, 23 January 2007
A small yet very smug smile was tucking at the corners of Stef Gwenani’s slightly skew mouth. “My delectably evil plans for the bucketeers are ALL falling in place and there is nothing they can do about it!” She giggled manically. Her frenzied giggle rapidly turned into a whorish cackle and for a moment she had to stop. Turning as inconspicuously as she could, she quickly checked in the mirror to see if she actually peed herself.
“Thank Mariah Carey! I’m clean!” she mumbled as O’Foxy entered the lavish room.
“Who’s clean?” O’Foxy asked only to shrink back against the wall as Stef gave her a death stare. “eh... Mariah’s 7th clone is finally clean…eh… ” suddenly not so confident anymore, she mumbles “…you know…hmmm... Mariah has been replaced 6 times before, it’s all those slutty heels, the clones are always falling off the stage, and the 7th clone has finally gone off the painkillers…uh... never you mind anyway O’Foxy… how are we doing with the experiment?”
“Nearly there Miss Gwenani… nearly there. We only need the dried up tongue of Celine Dion and the toenail clippings of Hillary Clinton and we will be able to complete the final stage of our plan”
“Good!” Stef whispered as she stroked the corpse of Celine Dion, still clutching her oversized chin in an eternally horrific scream (or was that just a last note?) hung against the wall to dry out. “Her voice will go on... And what have you heard from Commander DeadasHell?”
“Everything is set. Only 5 more minutes before my foolish brother and his friends drive straight into our trap. The rest of his troop has surrounded the Misty Castle and as you know the spell has worked on that idiotic Misty Rockchild. That subconscious skanky 2nd personality you have created with the dark voodoo magick, will take her place in Misty’s mind and the real Misty will be lost forever!”
Both evil nemeses snorted with delight, only to stop at the same time. Weak bladders were obviously a problem for slappers with world domination schemes… tut tut…
Thursday, 18 January 2007
Misty felt Pandemonia’s whimpering cry echo through the very core of her being. Khe-kah! She cried out again – miserably. She crossed the large room, making for the window. There was something Desperate in Pandemonia's cry.....
Misty knew that their respective destinies were somehow intertwined and that it would one day be revealed to them.
The Rockchild Mountain Citadel was located high up in the Misty Mountains, protected by all sorts of mountain dwellers. As Misty gazed out of the window, a fuzzy mountain monkey appeared before her. “You summoned me Child of the Mountain?” he squeaked. “Hieronymus – I wish to know the identity of the one who dared take the Princess from us”. “Mistress, there have been rumours up and down the mountain of sightings of Stef Gwenani and whispers of a strange but vicious associate known only as Foxy”.
Misty gazed off into to mist as she tried to recall what she knew of these creatures. She remembered that Stef Gwenani had tried to climb into the bucket once and that it had rejected her.
“Undoubtedly, these villains have been introduced to supply us with a foe to meet in battle, which will eventually lead up to a battle of epic proportions!”.
“Hieronymus, I feel danger approaching…. Will you go and look?
And keep an eye out for our friends – I can feel that they are close too”.
“I will Mistress”.
Left alone with her unsettling feelings, she had an even more unsettling feeling in the pit of her_
“Danger! Danger approaches!”
Misty gazed out of the window and saw a large group of dark, cloaked individuals come up the mountain pass. They looked as though they were wearing gas masks and they were running in a straight line, looking very intent on reaching the top of the mountain in a hurry.
“Prepare for an invasion – and make sure our friends get here safely”.
Without a moment to lose, Misty went to her bedroom to suit up in a tight-fitting, white body suit. She was going to be ready…
“Ow!” She cried as another sharp pain shook her to the ground. Crouching on the floor in front of the mirror, she felt the presence of another… a stranger… yet somehow familiar… “Fanny Flasher!” she exclaimed, loudly, before passing out.
Wednesday, 17 January 2007
"Oh, yes!, -pleasant pause -YEAH baby -heaving breaths- OH Girls...I'm com aah, -moans & groans- aaahh
"NOOOOO! Why cant you just let me ORGASM!" O gasm gasm gasm.. (The princess's outcries echoed through the gloomy chambers)
Tuesday, 16 January 2007
He hadn't seen the headlights burning around the bend of the Misty pass on descent from his last jump and seeing as OKyle was eyeing himself in his rearview mirror; the sudden appearance of O came as a shock to his slightly intoxicated and overly jumpy nerves. He slammed on the brakes sending O and the girl on his back flying into the night. Luckily a bubblegum shroom cushioned their fall and as they rolled off of the sticky fungus, OKyle appeared out of the mist like an Oompaloompa on crack.
"What the fuck were you thinking? I almost peed my pants" he screamed as O rose to his feet
"Sorry doll, I didn't see you. I've been jumping all night and the mist is so thick" O replied
"Yes I know. It’s the Rockchild. Her pain causes it"
"Misty!" exclaimed O remembering the reason for all the hopping. "What happened to her tonight? I had this horrible vision...."
"It’s Pandemonia. She's gone" said OKyle, with a trembling voice
"Gone?! But...but how?"
"I'm not sure, but I'll bet my rhinestone encrusted whip that, that super bitch Stef Gwenani is behind this. She's the only being wicked enough to forge such a horror"
"You know. Stef Gwenani. The evil second rate clone of the Goddess of Pop Culture, Gwen Stefani" Okyle exclaimed in amazement. "Don't you watch E! ze Bucket?"
"Hardly" O replied, rolling his eyes
"Yeeeeeeek, what's that?"
"Chuckle, chuckle. You are such a freaking queen. Not what, but who, my dear OKyle. He he. This is PsyDeska?. I found her at a portal, when I fell into her realm. Don't know how she got here, but she was so cute, I just had to have her."
"PsyDeska? meet OhMyGodItsKyle our resident Casanova"
"Oh, O flattery will get you everywhere" OKyle purred with lust blooming in his eyes. "It’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance Psy. Can I call you Psy?"
"Now, now OKyle. We have more pressing business to attend to. Is your car still functionable?"
"Still functionable?! Darling, It a Ferrari, if it doesn't function we just press ze button"
With that OKyle ran to the car, slid over the hood, and tumbled off the other side. In a flash he was on his feet and moments later the engine was roaring and O and Psy had to run to not be left behind.
Monday, 15 January 2007
“Ok, meet us at Misty’s in 30 minutes… And bring supplies!” His mobile phone snapped close as he absentmindedly dropped it on the passenger’s seat. How did they find us? How?
6 years earlier (28 February 2001 to be precise)
Warner Music’s executives sat silently around a large and a particularly shiny boardroom table. Their worried faces could be seen reflected in the mirror-like surface. Suddenly the door opened and a nervous looking man in a lab coat strutted in. “I have found a solution. We can clone her…”
Far above the gloomy chambers where Princess P was cuffed (with very kinky fluffy cuffs) to a hot pink wall, feathers mercilessly wiggled beneath her feet by the stone-faced Japanese fashionistas… a dark figure, dressed in an abnormally melodramatic Vivienne Westwood ball gown, emerged from behind the curtains… followed promptly by a curvy girl with an impressively impressive afro. The figure stopped momentarily to re-adjust her Gucci sunglasses. “Perfect! Perfect damnit! Why couldn’t they see it? Why?” she muttered barely audible. For a moment a mad glint in her eyes shone quite brightly… but just as sudden it disappeared with a sweep of her platinum blond hair.
“Gwen Stefani died in a car crash tonight… what do you mean we can clone her?” the one executive mumbled. “Surely this is not possible!”
“It is possible and the necessary calls have already been made” the man in the coat said as he sat down at the table. “I have organised that two clones will be made. Nobody will ever now that the real Gwen has been replaced.”
“Stef?” the afro girl poked the blond nemesis with a shaky finger. “Stef?” still no reaction… “Stef Gwenani! If you don’t stop remembering expositional details that explain the plot PREMATURELY and cause our readers to loose interest in this blog, I will have to hurt you! Do you hear me, Stef?” Afro girl was obviously quite agitated by now.
“I hear you” a glum Stef muttered. “No need to shout!” a set of long talon-like crimson nails traced the intricate pattern on the upholstered armrests of her exquisite throne. “I didn’t even get to the part where I am shunted by the executives for not being the perfect clone only to escape in the middle of the night and…”
“For fuck sakes, shut your fucking pie-hole! Afro girl slapped Stef 5 times. “Shut” SLAP “the” SLAP “fuck” SLAP “up” SLAP… and another SLAP simply because she was having way too much fun.
Stef swiftly rose from her seat and repaid the slaps. “You ignorant little girl! Don’t you see the bold parts in this blog entry are necessary narrative devices without which our readers will become confused and ultimately bored out of their minds? You shut the fuck up!” Afro girl looked hurt and slightly confused by the use of the words ‘narrative devices’. “So if I would be to reveal that your Zombie Nazi soldiers have set a trap for my dear idiot of a brother, OhmygoditsKyle, then it would be considered another narrative device?”
“Indeed it would… indeed my dear, sweet Ohmygodi’mFoxy*”
*O’Foxy for short.
Tuesday, 9 January 2007
She wailed “Khe-kaaaaah! Khe-kaaaaaah!”” Her sorrowful cry echoed throughout the Bucket as she sensed what had happened.
Princess Pandemonia had been torn from the Bucket realm by the delightfully wicked Hirosuko girls. They broke into the Princess’ palace in the darkest part of the night, carrying her away, giggling manically at their mischievous victory. Misty sensed the girls wanted Pandemonia as their queen or even worse - to sacrifice her to the fashion gods Valentino and Armani... Misty knew the others could feel her distress and they would be with her shortly.
A sharp pain in O’s eye woke him up. Another jolt accompanied by a vision of Misty in pain got him to his feet. He started running only to fall flat on his face in first flight. Expecting a prickly pig, his memory was jolted with his encounter earlier that day. The girl from earth was staring at him, confusion on her face. O cracked a broad smile and jumped to his feet. “Come we must go” he said as he leapt up to the stars dragging the girl behind him, heading straight for the Misty Mountain
On the other side of the Choo Choo, OhMyGodItsKyle fell of his barnstool flattening a rubber mouse in the process. Taking a gulp of his Panagalactic - which he did not spill by the way - he let out a wail of distress. His favorite wannabe lesbians’ presence was fading from the realm, taking with her his OhMyGodItsKyle-ness. He ran for the exit, knocking over a donkey and a goat. Shouts of mayhem filled the air as the inhabitants of the barn tried to reconstruct what had happened. They too had felt Misty’s cry. A ripple surging through the bucket with immense force. Tires sang as OmGiK roared off into the night, in his polka dot Ferrari, with bleats and whinnies filling the chorus.
Meanwhile at the edges of Buckethood, PandeMonia thought. “MMmm, maybe now I could find the opportunity to taste some Japanese school-girl panties........”
All over the Bucket fear and folly began to show their ugly heads.
Whispers of the legend was spreading like wildfire. A tale of a night when the Bucket would feel empty and hollow. Nobody thought it would ever come and now that it had, nobody knew what to do. PandeMonia was everywhere and nowhere to be found.
Little did our heroes know that as they sped to Misty’s aid, certain events had been set in motion. Events that could not be stopped. Events that would change all of them forever.
Wednesday, 3 January 2007
Misty was staring off into the bucket when it happened.
A sudden flash – a crack – a bang - and suddenly it was quiet.
In the gloom she could see the faces of her fellow bucketeers, but they were faded off into the background somehow…
Before her eyes, she caught glimpses of mountains and light streaming and glittering down them.
She had a feeling of great contentment and yet a strange pang of longing for something. She had no idea what it was. Then she heard it……………..
It was a song. The sound of it echoed through the mountains and flooded down to the plain where she was standing. The melody was familiar to her and even though it was in a strange tongue, she could somehow understand a bit of it.
“Follow the sound of your footsteps on the sand,
it will lead you to where you need to go,
where you need to go you will find what you are looking for
and only then realise what the purpose for it all has been;
Follow the depths of your imagination, search yourself and search your feelings
Deep within you lies the answer, you already know it somehow but must first find the words;;
Do not despair for THEY will always be with you to guide you and keep you from harm, but do not forget the bucket that you sprung from, for it is a source of power that will feed your hunger for life;
Follow the sound of your own heart beating and return once more to the place of your creation, return to us oh bright shining star of our hearts”.
Misty felt a tear run down her face and caught it in her hand.
She looked around her and saw the others in the room – her only friends.
Pandemonia and ohmygodit’sKyle! were eyeing each other hungrily – something was up….. The others were staring at the bucket in expectation: As if it contained all the answers…… Nobody seemed to have noticed her dreamy episode.
Misty felt weak and collapsed to the floor. As she lay there panting - recovering her bucket breath,
she resolved to go in search of that mountain – to adhere to the words of the song and also to heed the warning concealed within it.
She would leave the bucket only for short periods of time, but always return to it so that it can rejuvenate her and keep her safe. However, she had to leave it to search for the mountain …. She knew the answers awaited her there … she could feel it somehow… she felt drawn to it.