Sunday, 11 February 2007

Doom and gloom with a touch of perfume

"Ok - Backtrack - I'm confused. How did things get out of hand, so quickly?" sighed O as he flopped down on Misty's Cloud 9 bed. "One moment we were careening off a cliff, almost juicing an old lady in the process and the next I was jolted into reality by that Green Monster Thingy that has taken over Misty's body. Fuck that smell. It just won't go away and every time I catch a whiff my toes become sticky. Yuk"
OKyle who had been lulled from his fit by the Vicodine that Hieronymous had forcefully injected into his tit, turned around lazily pinching his right nipple. He smile and slapped himself across the face. Grinning he slurred "Noooo Paiiin" and slapped himself again.
Suddenly, in a flash of fur, Hieronymous came charging into the room, overstepping his mark and landing on a beautiful, if somewhat gay Persian rug, the effect of which saw him crashing into Misty's table of vanity, sending perfumes, powders and creams flying across the room. As soon as he came to a crashing halt he was on all fours again, panting his warning. "ZOMBiE NaTioN!!"
OKyle slapped himself one more time and as if by magic or the wizardry of the clap-on-clap-off light, the entire mansion was abruptly shrouded in darkness. A shriek floated up from the stairs below, as a servant met her untimely fate. In the seconds that followed from shriek to chaos, a hollow silence filled the air. A hollow silence, literally shattered by a thousand shards of glass catapulted into empty spaces, as a dust ridden voice proclaimed its intentions. "IN THE NAME OF THOSE WHO HAVE FALLEN AND THE NAME OF THOSE WHO STOOD UP, I COMMAND THE - SURRENDER" the voice echoed through the massive halls of Misty's home. Like an explosion it stunned every living thing in its path, pushing the bucketeers into their own minds.
OKyle was the first to open his eyes seeing as the Vicodine had numbed his sensory receptors considerably. He had no recollection however, of where he was or how he had gotten there, yet a throbbing sensation across his face and a loud ringing in his ears, gave him the clues to realize that something was not right. Turning his head, his heart did a somersault as a ghostlike apparition floated on the horizon. Hieronymous was struggling to find his feet at an opposite corner of the spacious room creating an illusion of death. O too had regained consciousness. He tried standing, but found the prospect a bit much for his balance impaired limbs and landed with a thud on the floor.
OKyle turned his head and this time his heart froze solid for what he saw was no illusion, yet only in tales and fables could such a thing exist. A man, or at least what was left of him, was staring at him intently. His skin was to put it quite simply, just not there, yet he was alive and animate, grinning with delight.
A feeling of absolute fucked up stab yourself in the foot terror sparked in the base of OKyle's spine and as it erupted like a super volcano through his body his conscious mind gave way to something he had never felt before. Something so powerful that it launched itself from his lips in the most highly pitched girlscout scream of his life. As he wailed he could feel gravity release him from her eternal grip and in an instant everything that was real was no more...

From the floor where he had come to a sudden halt, O had the weird sensation. His hairs were standing on end, or were they? He could not tell exactly. When he heard the scream he looked up to see where it had come from. At that moment he was jerked towards the ceiling. Expecting to hit the roof he covered his head with his hands. In a flash everything was silent. It felt like he was under water, yet he could breathe and there was no moisture. Slowly he opened his eyes and to his utter amazement, he was floating high above the bucket world. He looked around and could see that Psydeska, Hieronymous and OKyle were with him, yet somehow all of them were different. Like they were made up of a billion tiny bubbles that cast a halo of light around them.

After a second of admiration it became apparent that the bucketeers were floating in some sort of capsule, which had now begun to move in a very speedy fashion back down to the very solid ground below. A moment of panic seized O's mind, causing him to flash back to the only person he had ever loved. The vision did not last, because when he opened his eyes, he was lying on his back looking up at an old friend. He smiled and as was his custom, he chucked the last thing he ate onto the floor and passed out, floating once again with the man of his dreams.

Monday, 5 February 2007

the days of our bucket

A stunned silence followed Misty’s abrupt disappearance. Just as suddenly O’Kyle started to scream like a teenage trailertrash chick losing her virginity at a Kid Rock concert, while being on acid. It was quite a sight to behold. O was simply staring at the big cavernous hole in the ceiling, silently clutching his pearls, while Psy was nibbling on Hierynomous’s tail. It was all too much for the poor bucketeers. If only they knew that at that very moment General DeadasHell was giving his masked troops the go-ahead to enter the empty palace. Empty simply because the blissful presence of Misty Rockchild was filling the air no more. And as O’Kyle’s bitter sobs echoed through the dark passages, the childlike men entered through the steel gates…

The troop commander, a man named Pubert deVille-Milton III, took his gasmask off silently… almost like a ghost. He and his troops have been dead since the 1940’s and as Zombies have been in the service of various demented schemers and wannabe world dominators. Pubert was a man… eh… zombie of great patience, but under the command of the wicked Stef Gwenani he has grown tired of following these fools’ stupid and extremely elaborate plans. He had plans of his own. And nobody was gonna stop him. Not even Stef. A worm crawled across the rotting flesh of his face and Pubert absentmindedly slurped it into his mouth. Tired. So tired… he thought as the slightly salty worm escaped through the gaping hole in his throat. The bucketeers and the idiotic Stef Gwenani were gonna pay for all the pain he and his troops have experienced over the past 70 years. Yes… pay…

5 minutes earlier: Across the Bucketland, an exhausted Princess P opened her eyes only to see the treacherous O'Foxy. But something was wrong… why did she have such a leering smile on her face? And why… oh dear god why… was she picking up this week’s issue of Heat Magazine? And is that… that (NOOOOOOOOoooooO!) a copy of Bucket Enquirer as well? Princess P started to sob as O'Foxy started to read long and insipid passages from both these magazines until P thought she would rather surrender than listen ANY LONGER to the story of 17 year old Billy-Bob from Bucketarnsa who married his half-sister’s 97 year old grandma , only to dump her for her great-grandson. And then…dear Mohammed… to loose his left foot, leaving him incapable of having a normal sex life. It was too much and P had to stifle a broken cry into the pink fluffy cuffs…


And suddenly there was a green light and O'Foxy's drone paused. Princess P squinted thru the harsh glare only to see her beloved Misty stepping into the room. But again something was wrong (DAMNIT!), why was she clutching her fanny? And why... oh why dear Tom Cruise, master of the scientology universe... is she holding a whip in her hand?

Fanny of DOOM!

‘Where is your Mistress?’ O demanded from the fuzzy monkey thing that stormed out to meet them.

Hieronymous looked deeply troubled and he beckoned for the O, Ohmygodit’sKyle! and Psydeska to follow him up the winding staircase.

When they reached Misty’s private chambers, Hieronymous -the fuzzy monkey thing hesitated.. ‘She’s in there’, he said, already running in the opposite direction.

O-Kyle! Wasted no time bursting in. From where they were standing, they were met with a gruesome sight!

Standing in front of a mirror – checking herself out – was Misty…. Or was it?

I knew you would come’ she said with a scowl on her face.

Suddenly she keeled over and screamed: ‘HELP! Something as taken over my body! It’s not me! Don’t listen to her!!!’

The others were horrified as Misty transformed in front of their eyes.

‘Misty!’ cried O. What looked like a green cloud was enveloping Misty and she was seizing all over. The screaming was unbearable, it sounded so painful! O-Kyle! Ran to her, but was knocked onto the floor instantly.

Then suddenly – there was silence. Misty lay on the floor, a green steam coming off her body. Just as suddenly she jumped up and started laughing hysterically.

Everyone could see that it was no longer the same Misty.

‘You stupid insignificUnt losers! Your pretty little Misty is no more!


‘What have you done to her!’ demanded O.

The not-Misty sneered and let out a howl – ‘I am the Fanny Flasher! And I have taken possession of this body! Try and stop me suckers! Your Misty is no more!’

‘Fanny Flasher? What kind of a name is that?’ O-Kyle! wanted to know.

‘I am the evil spirit of all that is skanky and impure! Feel my wrath!’ she screamed as she turned around, bending over and lifting up her already too short skirt – flashing her fanny at them!

‘Nnnoooooo-ooooooo! It’s too horrible!’ Hieronymous yelled. He had just reappeared out of nowhere. ‘Give us back our Rockchild!’

Fanny Flasher laughed maniacally again and jumped up into the air – disappearing in a cloud of green steam. The Misty Mountains glowed a sickeningly green glow.

Meanwhile – back at the Secret Underground Facility of Doom…

‘Who’s there!’ demanded Steff Gwenani.

‘It’s only me’ Fanny said with a victorious smile. ‘Our diabolically evil plan worked!’

They shared a long drawn-out spot of evil laughter as Steff led Fanny down to the Dungeon Room of Doom. Upon opening the door, Fanny smiled an evil little smile, seeing Pandemonia all strapped to the wall.

‘Let the fun begin’ she said with a nasty green glimmer in her eye, walking towards the struggling Princess, licking her lips in anticipation...